Broken borders

“I have a right to be heard,
to be seen, to be loved, to be free
To be everything I need to be me.
To be safe, to believe in something.”
Sonata Arctica – I have a right

I remember how in confirmation school the teacher talked about sacred. I remember drawing in my notebook a picture of a house and around it a circle. The circle represented borders, how small or large was the area that surrounded my house. The yard surrounding my house was sacred, I was the one who defined who can come there and how close.

The image of the house has often come to my mind when I’ve thought about my own borders, the sacred space around me. I respect of others yard, borders. I don’t enter to areas where I’m not invited. I don’t force myself close to another if the other one doesn’t want it. The boundaries of my yard were broken at very early stage. My area was invaded though I didn’t ask for it. Damages were done and then they left me to clean after the mess. They made clear that I don’t have any borders let alone right to defend them.

Now I’ve started to reassemble my yard. Fenced the area, build a gate. Limit who can enter and how close. It’s not easy to say no to the guest knocking on my gate, especially when before I let him diligently in. It’s not easy to trust to my feelings and the messages they tell because I always had to suppress them. It’s not easy to be selfish, respect myself when it has been considered as a sin, crime. It’s not easy to say no without explanations though I have right for it.

Still when I’ve said no, drawn borders and limit who enters to my yard I’ve felt myself balanced. I’ve felt peace insife of me, I’ve bee more myself. I have set my own needs, hopes and desires to priority number one. I have respected the messages that my feelings tell me. I’ve trusted myself more than ever.

Rebuilding is slow but goes forward. Fence by fence the borders of my yard expanses. Experience by experience I learn to trust on my feelings more. Slowly my yard will become a paradise, a place of peace and happiness that no-one can brake anymore because my yard is sacred. I define the borders of my yard, I define who can enter to my paradise.

With love, Anu-Maarit