Development after development

“Silmät kiinni ja monitorit huutamaan,
ei oo mitään muuta kuultavaa.
Hetken maailma on tässä.
Silmät kiinni niin tilaava kaipuu,
vaadi kukaan ei mihinkään taipuu.”
PistePiste – Hetken maailma on tässä

As a deep and sensitive person I like to ponder sthings. Find reasons why I behave in a way x, y or z. Analyse and get to know myself. I’ve been doing this for years and that’s why I know myself well. I know why I behave as I do, what I like, what situations cause me stress, what makes me happy etc.

Inspecting and developing of myself has become a lifestyle for me. In my bookshelf I have loads of self-help books. I’m aware that I can’t change other people or conditions. Only thing that I can affect is that how I relate to those things.

There’s constantly something to develop in me. Just when I got myself updated to version 2.0 I’m planning the version 2.1. I’m scanning myself all the time. When I’ve reached a goal in self development I move forward to pursuit the next one.

I came aware of this situation today while having a walk outside. Suddenly it all was clear to me. I realized that I don’t really accept myself as I am. Also I’m repeating a pattern of which I try to so hard to get rid off.

As a child I wasn’t accepted as I am. Whatever I did it wasn’t enough. There was always someone who was better than me. Now that I’ve been trying to learn to accept myself as I am, I’m repeating the same pattern that I got used to as a child.

By constantly developing myself I’m saying: I’m not good enough as I am. I should be more positive, compassionate, grateful etc. I’m tiring myself because I try to be a better version of myself – though the current one is good!

Today I enjoy of my company. Exactly as I am: natural, without make up, with messy hair. Today I don’t need to anything to myself because I’m good as I am. And maybe the pieces of life will find their place because of this – when I really accept myself as I am and not to try to make myself better all the time.

With love, Anu-Maarit