“Hei hei mitä kuuluu,
Sä kysyt ja kaikki on ok.
No hyvä sun on puhuu,
kun sä et tiedä miltä musta tuntuu.”
Apulanta – Mitä kuuluu
When I was younger and I was going through the most difficult phase of my life, I hated the most when I had to answer smiling “everything’s ok” to a question “how are you doing?” I couldn’t talk about my own feelings, hardships. I had to maintain an act of “good family” pretend that everything’s okay when in reality it wasn’t.
As a younger there were no space for unpleasant emotions. Only certain kind of, positive feelings, were approved. Other feelings was to be bottled and pushed away. I was ripped of my colours and that made me grey, invisible, nonexistent.
As an adult I’ve started to accept the different sides of me, to restore my colours back. I strive to live positively, to believe in good, to believe in my own possibilities. To live one day per time. I get excited of life, I’m grateful of all that I have. Positive attitude seizes the most of my life.
However even thought I maintain to stay positive thus I also want to experience the shadows of my life. I don’t want to have a life where everything is all the time wonderfu, I live in pink cloud, in a fairytale castle where there’s no conflicts or challenges. I want life in all colors, I want also the shadows to remind me what’s important in life. I want shadows to challenge myself, to develop and to encourage.
As and adult if someone asks from me “How am I doing?” I reply “everything’s ok” when everything is ok. If I have a challenging situation going or hardships then I tell how things are. We are entitled to feel unpleasant feelings and process them. The most important thing is that you don’t get prisoned by them but move forward in life – one step at a time.
With love, Anu-Maarit