Of loneliness

“Saat olla juuri tuollainen,
en tahdo Jumalaa,
tahdon ihmisen.
Saat olla keskeneräinen,
en tahdo valmista.
Tahdon sinut heikkouksineen,
sinä riität minut täyttämään.”
Mokoma – Sinä riität

A moment a ago loneliness distressed me. Although I’ve been living by myself for years now I’ve never learnt to be alone: to enjoy of my own company. Before when I was alone I had the need to fill my everyday life with activities, to surround myself with people, music, series. I surrounded myself with stimulants so that I wouldn’t need to stop and face myself.

During this year I plan to focus 100% on myself and my wellbeing. One of the most important things I plan to execute is stopping. I stop to observe, to listen and bravely face myself. To look to the cabinet and let the skeletons out. To show light to the monsters that lurk under my bed.

Stopping has been difficult and even scary from time to time. I’ve been afraid that what kind of things will come up when I stop to listen to myself. What if I’m a terrible person? What if something unpleasant comes up? When I’ve bravely stopped to listen to myself I’ve made a few important observations. First one was that I’ve been totally wrong about myself. Another remarkable observation was that my values and thoughts are important. I have the right to demand the best and I’m worth of all the good in life.

When I stopped and observed myself I realized that perception of myself based on believes which foundation was created over 20 years ago when I was a child. I still believed words of people who are not anymore a part of my life. Instead it was difficult for me to bealieve what people in the present said about me, to receive praises and positive feedback. When I stopped I asked from myself a question that I hadn’t asked for a while. I ask what kind of person I am and the answer was: quite ok.

When I started to write this blog, I wrote an entry where I wondered the purpose of life. Then I asked from myself a question: “If I had only my existence and nothing else, why would I exist?” Back then I wondered that the purpose of life is not found of external factors but from the human itself. However back then I couldn’t answer to the question that I presented for myself.

In this moment I ask the question again. This time I have an answer. The answer is that I would exist so that I could be me; so that I could connect with myself. I can lose all mundane matters and connection to others. However I can never lose the connection to myself. Though the connection would be weak from time to time, it’s always existing.

Hence I focus my time and energy for creating a strong connection to me and make myself a partner that I’ve always hoped besides me. In the end all that matters is what I believe.

With love, Anu-Maarit