“I woke up today with this feeling,
that better things are coming my way,
and if the sunshine has a meaning
It’s telling me not to let things get in my way.”
Five – Keep On Movin’

I’ve been waiting for slashes, protected myself from words hurting. I’ve been waiting for reprimands, blaming fingers which point shortages in me. I’ve been waiting knife sharp blows which slash my scarry wounds open. I’ve been waiting for things that might not happen.

I remember years and years ago sitting outside, near my home in Jyväskylä. My mind was black and in the moment life felt hopeless. While I was sitting I was approached by a woman asking if she could talk about Jesus. I’m very bad at saying no though I had no interest in that matter. The woman spoke to me and gave me a pamphlet. On the cover of the pamphlet was written on bold yellow letters phrase “The sufferings will end soon.” That phrase haa stayed vividly in my mind.

Soon means to me that something will happen in the near future. Tomorrow, next week or next month at the latest. For someone else soon can be in months, years away. The sufferings will end soon includes the promise that sufferings will end but it doesn’t give an accurate definition that when will it happen. Will it happen in a week, month or year.

I’ve started to hope, believe that finally the moment has come when the sufferings will end. I don’t mean that I wouldn’t have hardships and challenges in the future. By the end of sufferings I mean that no longer I don’t need to protect myself from hurting words, sharp blows that tear my wounds open. My growth is no longer attempted to suppress but I get nutrition – love, encouragement and support so that I can blossom in full bloom and shine in my all colors.

A person who is deeply rooted with the feeling of worthlessness and incompetence it’s not easy to think positively of itself. Changing that feeling requires a lof of work. And when the work is done and though person can believe it itself it’s always astonishing to hear from someone else – I’m important, I have a meaning and I can bring something good to someone elses life. I can change this world.

With love, Anu-Maarit