The walls of silence

“Läheltä ja kaukaa
ne muurit pitää kaataa,
muute me kadotaa.
Viesti on sama vaik kielest en tajuu sanaakaa,
Älä tyydy olee hiljaa.
Sussa on sitä puuttuvaa voimaa
millä maailma voi muokkaa.”
Kuningaskunta – Muurit

Lately my thoughts have lingered on speaking and obmutescence. On how easy or difficult it is to share onself to others and what is on the background. Each of us makes interpretations and assumptions of others based on own experiences. If one doesn’t question own assumptions or communication is not working then easily problems occur with others.

For me speaking has always been difficult. It has never been easy to say that now I’m not doing that well and share my own troubles to others. I just had to act that everything’s okay. It’s also very difficult for me to say what I want or what I need. Easily I can assume that others can read my mind or figure from my behaviour what I need. However no-one has ability to do so.

I remember wondering after the death of my brother that why didn’t he tell of his situation to me. I felt it really sad, even offensive that he didn’t tell to me. I would have wanted to help but I didn’t know what could I’ve done since he didn’t tell me what was wrong. Still it emerged from his farewell letter that he was thinking of protecting me by not talking!

We seem to easily think that we protect others by keeping matters in our own hands. Nevertheless our body language and behaviour easily give out if something’s wrong. Instead of letting others to guess what might be wrong, wouldn’t be easier to share the burden with others and tell what’s wrong?

I think that most of us are afraid. We’re scared to share things of ourselves to others, scared to show how we really are. Scared to be weak and needy. Scared of how others will react if they really know what kind of a person I am. I remember when I was younger and thought that I can’t show to anyone what kind of a person I am. I imagined that I’m bad person of some sort, a monster that nobody could like. I thought that it’s just easier to keep matters in my own hands and try to manage by myself. Now slowly I’ve tried to learn to share things about me to others and show all my colors.

To have the courage to be oneself and show oneself to others it requires courage from oneself and love from others. After all if one just dares to talk, bring onself to light, one can notice that the monsters were only shadows that disappear in the light. Talking is not always easy but how could others understand you or help if you don’t talk?

With love, Anu-Maarit