What did happen?

“It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good”
Nina Simone – Feeling good

When I started to keep this blog about a two years ago the idea was to write for myself. I was in a need for a chanel where I could write down my thoughts. There was no objectives with the blog. I wanted to write because it was my passion. Meanwhile I thought that if I publish my texts public then maybe somebody would find something from them: courage, comfort, hope, what ever one needs.

At the beginning the writing was quite effortless and I wrote whenever I felt like I had something to say. I published my texts every now and then, irregularly. I was happy if someone had read my blog or I received comments about it. However I was still writing for myself.

Until came the fatal day, exactly one year ago when I posted the following text to facebook:

After this post I starte to write regularly. I published a new blog text every Saturday at 15:00. At the beginning this also felt effortless, I wrote texts in advance. I started to follow more closely how many are reading my blog. I yearned for likes, comments, readers. I imagined that I’ll gain it by doing like other bloggers: I’ll post regularly.

“God damnit, it’s Saturday again. What I’m gonna write now?”  In the autumn that phrase became constant. Saturdays started to feel stressfull. I should publish a blog text but from what topic? Often I sat stearing an empty page and trying to come up with something. Then came the day when I had enough.

For a few months now I’ve been having a pause of blog writing. During that time I’ve been wondering where did all these demands come from? How did it happen like this? I found the answer when I walked in front of the mirror. I had set myself an objective, a level that I should reach. I though that because others then I must as well. If I want to get readers then I hae to publish regularly. I have to be productive.

Writing is a creative process. It rarely works by forcing. By writing forced, one blocks the creative source. It starts to over analyse and wonder, what should be written. No more is written by heart but more with sense. Not for oneself but for others.

The New Year has changed so let’s take a new start for this blog. This time I’m merciful for me and write when I feel like and still – for myself.

With love, Anu-Maarit